A nice successful businessman does all he can for the perfect grooming of his sons who gradually come off and establish them. As age begins to tell on the family patriarch, his sons no longer need him, rather create conditions that the old man is totally alienated and unwanted. In desperation, the old man abandons the mundane world and retreats into a forest to seek answer to why it so happened. Durgasaptashati, the ancient Hindu scripture perused in Navratras, endeavours to answer such dilemmas that many parents confront today. And though there are no quick fix solutions to get through the tough phase of parenting, the recourse to worship of Goddess Durga at least teaches how best to endure life, if not how to enjoy life.
What goes wrong in rendering a well meaning, sincere father an outcast? Certain fault lines tend to vitiate the pious parents-children matrix.
Number one is the non-clarity of parents themselves over issues they want their children to observe with near perfect fidelity. Few persons are clear about what is in their best interest, and what sort of life is eventually meaningful and fructifying. Hence guiding, advising, suggesting or reprimanding in varied situations – all of which is involved in parenting – is not kidding. Most parents wish their children to accomplish goals, to indulge in pursuits they always aspired to accomplish but never could. After all, a parent sees his own reflection in the child that one is. For, nothing satisfies a dying parent other than the belief that he no more exists in corporal form the truncated spirit lives on in his son. Often, a father may not be clear about the best course of line in education, career, sort of house one lives in, selecting a spouse, and so on. Yet, when the decision of the son lands in trouble, he is held guilty. Parents can serve advisory role only after keeping their linen clean. A greedy father is not entitled to tell his son refraining from greed. All a child’s life depends on the ideal it has of its parents, said E.M. Forster.
Most parents are disgruntled with the way their children treat them. A month-old case is that of a retired chief justice of Haryana & Punjab High Court residing with his wife in Chandigarh. He filed a petition in High Court that his married son living separately in adjoining town of Panchkula has made the parents living hell and that his life was at risk due to the son. Unhappiest are those who have been over attached to their children. When such parents discover that they are not being reciprocated in proportion to their immense material and moral investment in the children’s formative years, many of them develop a cynical attitude towards life that further aggravates their frustration. For, they cannot tell the world that their son, who had so far been labelled as superman with all virtues has torn them to the core. Confessing the new reality is so demoralising and degrading. At this stage, one can neither accept the bitter reality nor unburden oneself by confiding in someone. The degradation thus set in precipitates the aging phenomenon leading to diminishing interest in life.
In our high tech age, the psyche and mindset of youth has undergone a sea change and most parents don’t know how to properly handle their sons and daughters. Raymond Moore believes that “an alarming number of parents have little confidence in their ability to teach’ their children.” The problem of parents has been compounded by the availability of plenty of new age appliances and resources the temptation of which our young ones find difficult to resist. The other factor is the market and its killing promotional spree. Market has learnt to harness the power of media and advertisement industry for its profits. Marketing strategies foster and strengthen the spending habits of people. The more the people consume, greater the profits for the market. Most people find themselves hapless in the glare of contemporary lifestyle with erosion of human values.
A saint has befittingly said, “Your children are not yours, they are through you, though. They are for society, for the nation and entire mankind.” Kahlil Gibran voiced similar view, “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.” Those who can understand early the ‘otherness’ of others including their children do not undergo the pangs of alienation in the evening of their life. Even otherwise, children learn most when left alone, to set the sail on their own amidst emerging situations and challenges. The relatively ‘detached’ attitude towards life including possessions is the key to happiness in life.
Children’s support in parenting is also imperative. There are several realities to which one wakes up only in mature years though. Yet, they ought to understand their duties, and not their rights. A sense of gratitude towards them makes one succeed in life; one cannot compensate what they did all through life. “You don’t pay back your parents. You cannot” said Lois McMaster Bujold. Providing good education and inculcation of constructive values is of utmost importance, this is something only parents can do. As Mahatma Gandhi said, there are no better teachers in the world than virtuous parents. Secondly, they owe a duty to their wards, the way they were served by their parents.
Nurturing the children is foremost parental duty as also prescribed by our scripture. Who else shall take care of one’s children? A father, they say, is Palak (i.e. a nurturer) who has to ensure that all the essential needs of the child are met – this is something he received from his parents, and has to pay back to his children. In addition to fulfilling the physical requirements, only parents can imbibe appropriate human values and regard for relationships, which in turn is allied to one’s pride in nativity. It is these values which strengthen a child to build a sustainable structure for his life and a strong character that can serve a role model for other.
The onus of shaping the children lies basically on the parents who must transmit positive, human values to them. Parents have to support their children to feel good about thus developing their self-esteem. An unconditional parental love, support at every turn make him a sound person. However, a child should be made to realise that parents do not endorse all his conduct and behaviour and that all that parents want is to emerge son and daughter as persons at least superior to parents. It is their last wish too. Author: Harish Barthwal
