Let interpersonal spaces be bridged, not widened

Interpersonal spaces determine behaviour, communication and social interaction patterns. Knowledge of how much distance to maintain in different contexts facilitates healthy growth of individuals and society.

Kahlil Gibran’s often-quoted line, “Let there be spaces in our togetherness” is more than an admonition against intruding into personal affairs of others. A pun is intended in ‘spaces’. The great luminary meant to include here the physical distancing among people to ward off any malicious assault or a coronavirus-like disease.

The essentiality of physical spaces for health, good living and optimum growth of living beings has never been questioned. The spacing concept is based on the premise that imbued with enormous potential even an average person can flourish well and soar high enough only when assigned free space to use all one’s gears. Most people are known to use only one gear or two out of several, throughout their life span. Same principle holds good for the plant kingdom. Growth of plants is constricted when too close to each other. Witness the specific spaces between two consecutive plants of any crop in the farm.

Ever given a thought why people having made huge fortunes from their business in downtown, living in vicinity in shabby, dense multi-storied houses relocate to outskirts in the open spaces. For decades they were facing a space crunch to breathe, think and live freely!

Broadly, human beings follow a four-layered spacing system viz. intimate space (0-2 ft), personal space (2-4 ft), social space (4-12 ft) and public space (more than 12 ft). These ranges vary with communities, even within a community. People are embarrassed, uncomfortable, angry or apprehensive when their personal spaces are invaded. ‘Proxemics’ studies how spaces influence behavioural and communication patterns, social interactions and growth of individuals.

While close proximity may breed contempt, overmuch space, mental or physical tends to vitiate intimacies and relationships among human beings, so vital for healthy living. Everyone needs shoulders to bank upon, to share one’s ethos & pathos. Remaining unheard or unloved can be agonising and eventually traumatic. The issue of spaces being created among people, unawares or intentionally thereby impinging on the togetherness of human beings is not new. Over decades, tapering of family and personal ties, and non-sharing of feelings leading to alienation, mental sickness and associated complications has been an issue of intellectual debates, and also a recurring motif in literature and arts of all descriptions and communities. Poetic works of T.S. Eliot are testimony to the growing alienation of man and its implications like insensitivity to fellow beings. The lonesome nature of man has been attributed in part to the urbanisation, automation, and also attrition of human values like acceptance, appreciation, affection & love, loyalty, trust, empathy, etc. “Bigger the city, lonelier the man is”, said the 17th century essayist Lord Bacon.

The variegated rubric of family networks in Indian communities particularly among the Hindus is manifest in distinct names for each relationships, like with father’s and mother’s elder and younger brothers and sisters, spouse’s father and mother, their elder and younger brothers and sisters, and so on. There is also a code of etiquettes to be observed for each relationship like a married lady was forbidden not to share a seat contiguous to her husband’s elder brother. While showing the gravitas attached with others in extended family, this feature of Indian families strengthened one’s sense of belongingness, leaving little scope to fall apart in difficult moments. This is unlike in Western families where life is almost confined to one’s spouse and young ones.

“We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone.” Each person is an isolated, if not an insulated entity, in that the biochemical composition of each individual is unique, a remarkable feature that facilitates establishing biometric identities. Ditto for the individual’s mental frame; drawing from a vast array of permutations, the dominating thought in the individual psyche picks something that gradually shapes one’s mindset. Considering what we call mind-body chemistry, we align ourselves with people of particular ilk, and maintain distances accordingly.

The precept of distancing in Covid-19 era has widened the interpersonal gaps that had already set in due to excessive focus on one’s own shell in disregard of concern for others. It may be hard to regain the level of working relationships we had in pre-Corona era. Growing holistically and fully does not warrant insulating oneself from ethos and concerns of others. “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much”, said Helen Keller. The power of collectivism and benefits of togetherness can be harnessed only in the spirit of sharing of thoughts, concerns and feelings. Inability to understand this has been at the root of much malaise that is spiritually and mentally enervates and gives rise to mental issues. The unwanted spaces need to be bridged, not created or widened.

It would be not only inhuman but also blasphemous and ungrateful to create spaces with those having been instrumental and supportive in our journey of life thus far. A mother, who does not cling the newborn by her breast or avoids hugging him throughout childhood even later, or consigns her 5-year baby to an exclusive room to study, play and sleep, most likely brings out an adult with little sensitivity and loyalty to family and nation. Understanding of how much space to maintain in different contexts helps one to lead a happy, blissful and meaningful life.

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The article first appeared in edit page of Orissa Post on 27 September 2020.